I hear the misery in your cry for help - that is what your note is, a cry for help. I also understand that you are resistant to drugs and what they may do to your body/mind. You are not alone. I have, in over 25 years of ministry, heard your story so many times from so many women of differing ages. You are not alone! However, your future does depend upon you and the choices you make. Obviously you have several "diagnosable challenges". You mention anxiety, depression, OCD,and several physical discomforts that result form these.
Think of all of these problems as a huge ball of pieces of string - I call them ravelings. There are lots of ends of these ravelings sticking out on your ball. How to get rid of the ball - a least reduce it's size? Pick a raveling - a string - and work with that one.
What can you do to help yourself?
First, take inventory. What is your diet like? Are you giving your mind and body the best nutrition you can - not necessarily quantity [heaven knows, most of us have quantity]- I mean quality of diet - adequate B vitamins that are particularly good for nerves - super doses of anti-oxidants through food [fresh fruit and veggies]and suppliments - have you been checked medically to see if you are anemic or have a thyroid condition? You have to start someplace, and I often find a person's diet and general physical condition is a place to start. Having a good physical checkup would be a step in the right direction - and remember, you don't have to take any drug you feel is wrong for you. It's your choice! Ask about alternative ways to deal with whatever you need to deal with - there are most always options. Consider your options.
How well do you sleep? How much uninterrupted sleep [hours per night]do you get? Do you have to get up frequently during the night feeling you need to pee? If the answer to the latter is a yes, you can control the amount of fluid you drink for the 2 or three hours prior to going to bed - if that doesn't help, you may want to check out a sleep clinic, because your problem may not be bladder, but apnea. And my dear, that can really foul up your entire system - including emotional health. Sleep deprivation is so common and causes so many ills, both physical and emotional.
Ok, that takes care of a lot of the physical - and a good bit of our emotional health leans on our physical health. Now I want you to ask yourself a question or two. Do you believe in God, or an purposeful creating force [whatever you want to call it]? If you do, can you understand that you were created for a purpose? Follow me, now. You were not created to be a victim, someones punching bag [physical or verbal], or on a whim, just to see what might happen. A purpose - to add to this world mix something good, something productive, something beautiful. If your Creator put you here for some wonderful purpose, you have VALUE - pricelwss value. What is this nonsense about no self-esteem. God doesn't make junk!! You are not junk!!! If God thinks you're worth something, where do you get off discounting the opinion of Almighty God??? Obviously, that was the preacher in me, ;) , but seriously, get it together girl. Get a counselor, a spiritual counselor if possible and start working on you.
Everything you are today is what you are today - hear me - but what you will be tomorrow, depends on YOU and the choices YOU make today. Make some good constructive choices and your future will be a whole lot brighter. There may be some issues from the past you want to examine more closely with a really good competent counselor, but the past is just that - the past. What tomorrow will bring - or how you respond to the things that happen tomorrow - depend on you and your attitude toward yourself and the people you have relationships with and your God.
My Boss put it very simply - "Love the Lord, your God, with all you mind, soul and strength, and love your neighbor as [you love]yourself." It really is the key to the health of the whole you, isn't it?
Now I hear a lot of fear in your note. "The anxiety makes me ill" - that's what you said. Great diagnosis! Anxiety can make you sick! So what are YOU going to do about it? There are some things that will help - get to the root of the anxiety with a good physical checkup [what do you really have to be anxious about], good nutrition and sleep, and a good counselor or competent counseling pastor. [All pastors do not have the training for counseling, and all counselors are not created equal either. So find one you can relate to - be comfortable with.] You have to want to be well, to be happy. You have to be willing to really work at it - it doesn't come easily to anyone. Somewhere along the line, you have got to believe - believe that you are worth all the effort - believe that there is help to be had - belive that with God's help [and God isn't through with you yet] you can create a better future for yourself and those you love. You are not alone!!!